Pfffft....

This post is for the ladies:

Farting in the presence of a guy is one of those things that’s inevitable at some point in your life. But, it’s one of those things that you’ll wish never happened, and if you could ensure that it would never happen again, even at the cost of one of your little toes, I could see a few of you going to the surgeon. I can’t identify exactly what it is about expelling intestinal gas that makes people more embarrassed than a professional singer being caught lip-synching, but it really is the peak of awkward situations.

Sure we are all human and it’s perfectly normal behavior but we don’t want THEM (guys) to know that. At least not until we have reeled them in into a committed relationship. Most guys prefer to think of women as alien beings who are just supposed to smell good and not have normal bodily functions. Only a handful of them are willing to look outside the box and accept us for the real gaseous people that we are and still love us. But in the early stages of a relationship, what do you do if it happens?

Normally, the situation is so awkward because for one thing, it’s unforeseen (like most awkward situations), and two, because there’s no escaping that smell of internal rubbish lingering in the air. That scent is like the cherry on the sundae of life saying, “You can’t get out of this one buddy.” Pretending it didn’t happen just isn’t an option. The evidence is there, the elephant is standing in the middle of the room, and it’s not going away for at least a few torturous minutes.

So what do you do now? Play dead like a possum when it sees its attacker? Blame the guy? Pretend your sleeping? All of which have been tried, problem is, none of them changes the aftermath of the fart. Once it’s let loose, there’s no sucking that f-bomb back in. It is there, idling in your nostrils, determined to haunt you for the rest of your life. You’re a girl, you will obsess over the brief moment for weeks to come. A day after the incident and he hasn’t called you, what do you blame? The fart. You meet up with him and he kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips… but why? The fart. He gave you a strange look in the restaurant…, must be because of the fart. Any future moment of awkward tension is instinctively blamed on a millisecond of weakness that happened over a week ago.

So, depending on how comfortable you are with the victim (now staggering on the edge of the other side of the bed :p), there are a few ways you can handle this...

Your first option is the honest approach. Hoping that he isn’t a complete ass (if you aren’t sure whether he is or not, this is a good way to find out) you can exclaim, “Oh god!” then give your best bambi eyes, and say that you haven’t been feeling well all day. While this may be bullshit at its finest, it’s still the direct approach because you are admitting that something just happened. If he’s for real, he should make some sort of joke out of it with you, and let it go. If this is the case, I suggest some generous fellatio the next morning, just to make sure he’s forgotten about the whole episode.

Your second alternative is to play fart tag. In fart tag, you blame the other person, they blame you, you blame them again, and eventually you both give up and blame the cat. Understand, this really only works if there IS a cat in the room, preferably lying on the bed. Guys do fart all of the time though, so if it really is your lucky day, maybe he did fart around the same time and will just take blame… slim chance though.

Your third choice is to make some extremely random comment directly following the incident. Such as, “Hey, did you hear that so-and-so died?” Or, “Remember how you mentioned you wanted to have a threesome?” Either of these comments should take his mind off of what just happened, even if the stench is still seeping into the sheets.

I do NOT advise pretending you’ve just fallen asleep…unless you let one slip after the two of you have been lying there for at least twenty minutes. In that case, chances are he’s asleep so you don’t even have to worry about it. Otherwise, you’ll most likely do a terrible acting job pretending to be asleep. Besides, if you pop one out and then act like it sent you into a sudden fit of sleep, he might REALLY start to wonder how your body functions.