Divorce...

I envy the little kids who go through their parents divorces. I mean everybody worries about them. An adult child is just supposed to be ‘mature’ about it. In some ways it can be even more devastating for adults you know. Yeah, you’ve got it right, my family is officially not going to be intact anymore. I’ve been neglecting my blog waiting to be inspired by something. Didn’t realize it would come in this form.

I’m not devastated or anything. I’m just thrown off quite a bit you know. The world as I know it will change a lot. I never was that much a fan of change. I like familiarity. Of course I’m not thrilled either. I’ve always looked at kids who came from broken homes and counted myself lucky that I’m not one of them. Look who’s laughing now eh?

I just am not sure how to react to something like this. Of course I knew that everything wasn’t all hunky dory between them ever since I was born. But as a child you just don’t want to know about these things and kind of stay in denial I guess. The mature side of me tells me that I should be happy for my mother who has found someone else. If she is happy and if my parents believe that they have made the best decision, than they have my full support.

But then there is the child in me that feels that parents are not supposed to have feelings. They are supposed to make everything okay. They are always supposed to be selfless and sacrificing. They should not have their own dreams or pursue them without considering us, the children. I don’t think any child could ever see their parents as real people.

Although I am okay with what is happening, I do grieve for the moments I will never have again. Like when ma and pa would be watching some hindi award show and discussing how good Zeenat Aman still looks. Or how they would both fuss over me when I’m sick about how best to treat me. And just seeing them together at home. Or how they would come home from abroad and unpack the presents they have got for me. I am never going to have that again. There is such a emotional comfort in having both your parents together in the same house at your beck and call. My mom will have her own life and I worry about dad. Their lives won’t revolve around me anymore.

Of course I am not blaming anybody. I do not wish to know the reasons or details as to why they have decided to do this. My mother will always be my mother and my father will always be my father. I will not take sides. I have to make a decision as to with whom I’ll be staying with as well. It is like having to choose between your parents. I still haven’t made a decision yet as I enjoy living with my mom and dad equally.

If there is one advice I would give to anyone who has children and is going through a divorce is, please don’t badmouth your ex spouse to your children. (Not that my parents do) But it is critical because when you insult your child mother or father, you are insulting your child as well, because your child would have the same DNA and would feel hurt and resentment as well.

And I keep thinking that when dad finds someone else too, then me and my brothers wouldn’t belong to a particular family at all. Both our parents would have their own lives and we would just have a mother somewhere and a father somewhere.

I do realize it is for the best though, even after 30 something years. Though some things still strike me as scary as having a stepfather, I think I will be alright. It is only the child in me that feels a bit of loss of security. I just hope that everything goes well without any drama. I have had a happy childhood with both my parents involved equally in my life. I guess I should be thankful for that. At least I still have them both, even living separately. Whether you are12 or 22, divorce effects all children, adult or not.

Oh and Happy New Year guys.

If looks could kill...

I hate walking on the streets in Male', I really do. Why? Because people friggin' stare so much. What is their problem? And even if you catch them staring, they'd still stare back as if its not at all rude or anything. Bah..Maldivians..If only they'd at least do it subtly I wouldn't complain so much.

What I've noticed also is that it's mostly the women who stare at other women. Before I always thought I was imagining it and I'm being paranoid but recently me and my guy (lets call him Dhonkalo) went out for a bite and we came across a bunch of girls at the door. The moment they saw me they were like just glaring at me looking me up and down as if i had just mugged their grandma or something! :S I was oookay..(gulp) and just meekly and hurriedly went inside past them. I still thought nah they must Its prolly just me when Dhonkalo remarked, "Haadha rulhi aissa ey dho ebely" I was like bingo! It's not just me! They do stare like vultures..almost foaming at the mouth they were yesh!

Some people might say oh women just look at other women to check out what they are wearing. I also do that if i see someone wearing something drool worthy. But I always make sure they don't catch me while doing it. Also I don't glare at random women. Or maybe I should? Maybe it's some feminine gene I'm missing like the mother gene (that's for another post)

Others say that they are just jealous. I'd believe that if it were the ugly women who stare, but nooo these are actually good looking women who actually feel so insecure that they need to look down on other women. I just don't get it at all.

Then of course there are the ones who say that those are lesbians..but trust me their stares smoulder in a whole different way. Point is, weren't they taught at all that openly just staring at someone is just rude? It makes me so uncomfortable, like I just don't enjoy going out at all because of it. But lately since I ruined my contacts it has been easier since I am half blind and oblivious to all the staring. Ignorance is bliss.

What is it about people here that makes them want to look up and stare at them whenever someone enters a coffee shop? Sure, looking up is a reflex, but have they not heard of common etiquette??? Constantly, just constantly it feels like someone is analyzing me up and down. It's not just the staring..then they start staring and whispering. And all you hear are "psss pspspsss eyna pss pss" So annoying!

So I plan to master the art of not seeing them. Just pretend they don't exist. (It's pretty hard at times when someone is trying to burn a hole in your forehead though) So yeah I shall try to ignore them..hence will achieve bliss. Wish me luck.

Happy Birthday to me.

Another year, another age. How does it feel? It feel just like another day. I have never been the kind of person who had friends and had surprise birthday parties (well not since I was 13), was never the popular chick, so I always hated my birthday coz its an annual reminder of how alone I really am. But this birthday, I somehow feel different. I feel content. I suddenly have people who actually give a damn about me. Sure they are a few bunch, but they made me realize that I also count as a person. Like before I was so depressed I felt like if, I died no one would even notice. So yeah, this post is a thank you, to my family (luckily I've got the best), And to the people who have made a difference in my life. Hope you know who you are ^^ Thanks to everyone who wished me too.

Torture...

Most of us have been there at least once in our lives. Back of a classroom, lecturer going on and on about something you just can't follow. Fighting with all your might not to doze off. Pretending to take notes every now and then. Observing other students picking their noses subtly.

Tonight was one of those nights. At one point I really thought I was gonna drop dead on my notes so had to occupy my mind with something. Hence found myself writing a random poem. Thought I'd share it with you guys. It was Human Resource Management tonight and it's one of the most boring subjects I've come across. Don't understand the fascination with everyone studying it as a major these days.

Also in my defense, I wrote this in 10 minutes. So don't be cruel about the crappiness of it. Also I realize there is no such word as 'worstest' but um..call it poetic licence. :D

Although I have no excuse for me other posts. =p

Here goes:

The monotonous drone of her voice,

goes on in an endless stream.

Bland, mundane and without poise,

This maybe my worstest dream.

Maslow! Herzberg! The torture continues,

as I doodle to pass the time.

So bored I'm seeing different hues,

Though some take it just fine.

Eyelids drooping, need sticks like Tom.

Fifteen minutes to go, when will it end?

Screw this diploma, I'd rather stay dumb,

Specially HRM, without that I can fend.

What is love? ( No not the old 90s dance song)

I asked the age old question to a couple (ok more than a couple) of my friends and I got some interesting answers. All names have been changed to protect the (ahem) identity of them.

• Something very crazy... It’s umm what do I say... Feeling made up by everyone to justify not calling what they feel for the opposite sex as lust or an urge to mate perhaps? - Frou Frou

• Love was when ... Adam stole the forbiden fruit for Eve. Love is when he gave up heavens to make her happy. Love is when nothing else matters. Love is never jealous nor is it needy, but love is insatiable. Love is when you see her go wow! Love is the fire that burns more when in absence. - The Masked Avenger.

• It’s a simple 4 letter word in the English dictionary. - Skeith.

• Whatever you make of it. It’s a vague notion to define attraction. - Sensei

  
  

• Depends on who’s asking I guess... - Some Ah

• Love is what makes a man feel really, really alive. It's positive, lovely and makes no sense at all. - Bengali

• Love is life? - Cherry

• Caring. Honesty. Loving. Forgiving. Fun. Sexy. Sharing etc = LOVE – Knight

• Beautiful at first... but painful in the end? – Bills.

• Is the attraction towards a thing or a being that defines ones perception of the other and determines ones demeanor towards the afore said.. Resulting in a complex social relationship; be it positive or negative. positive being romantic caring and selfless... negative being obsessive and selfish... – Sunshine

• Love is what u feel in your heart that gets u emotionally and physically attached to it... um... Confused with lust... love is more like a risk that u get into. It’s just a mind game between your heart and your brain. Sometimes your brain tells u something else while your heart wants something else.

  The feeling in your heart, that u risk yourself for others; your family / your friends or girlfriend boyfriend... the feelings that all comes out FROM YOUR HEART.... not your brain... that’s LOVE... - Wheels

• Unconditional affection and companionship – Ania

• I can give you an analogy. Say you want to buy a DVD player...the main purpose of buying it, would be to play DVDs that can be done if there was only a play button on it...without rewind and things. but you would go for the one with the most functions that would ease your viewing experience. Also lets not forget you'd go for a durable one.but I recently found out there is something else too. That there is a feeling... - Twitterpated.

Reverie...

The pale moon gleams, filling this dark night with light.

Everyone sleeping so content, into their dreams.

Except for a few glazed eyes dead to the world.

While she looks at him with lust...

Oblivious to her desires,

He is brought here to be tempted by the fires below.

As he enters, he says she cannot touch.

Their passion consumes them making it hard to restrain,

As he ravages and plunders her.

And savagely he thrusts, the moment tasting,

Deep inside of her.

Softly she screams before she wakes up,

Wakeful again as she returns from her reverie.

Looks at him with lust...

Once more again.

Silence! I keel you!

Did you ever observe some people and wonder to yourself, 'How can these people be so violent?' It doesn't matter whether we are living in the 'modern' world now. Some people are still willing to risk their lives and the lives of others for something that doesn't even makes sense in the first place.

They thrive on hatred, not only just condemn others for being different but go as far as to slaughter them. Even the people who think that they are free have their own limitations because of these people. The whole world is a slave to them. And its spreading like the plague.

Why? Because pray forbid, if you 'offend' them, its simple. You are a dead duck walking err i mean waddling. Nobody wants to speak out against them. Even the most powerful people in the world try to stay out of their affairs as much as possible. Nobody wants to live their life in hiding, so they just simply stay quiet. Who can blame them? Everyone would want to live a normal life.

Sometimes I wonder if its just me who feels like a disembodied spirit watching how people act and going 'tsk tsk' to myself, disappointed.The sheer lunacy of these people astound me. We have BIGGER problems people! Instead of trying to kill each other over which idiot is a bigger quack, why don't we try doin something worthwile for a change? Gee I don't know like....SAVE THE FRIKKIN EARTH OR SOMETHING!

It has gotten so extreme that its not just the people who are different that they target. Even if one of their own talks to someone different its still, "Eynaa Maraalaa! Eeeyna Andhaalaa!" This is supposed to be the 21st Century but they are still barbarians. There's no such thing as an ounce of humanity...whats left are just some programmed puppets that some people with power and money are pulling at with their strings.

Maldivians too, they say out loud without a flinch, "Those people deserve to die!". Just because they are of a certain race, heritage or religion. It doesn't matter that you don't know these people, everyone of them is horrible and should be wiped out! Sigh....all I have to say to that is:

“Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.” - Gandalf, Lord of the Rings by J.R.R Tolkien.

Disney Couplet

Yesh I LOVE disney classic cartoons...not the new ones though. I mean what is UP with all those part IIs of old classics??? If they could animate so well back then (Eg. The Lion King, Rescuers Down Under), why don't they bother to do it now?? It's horrible I tell you, Walt would be rolling in his grave. I don't know why I still adore the good old 2D animations. Not that I don't like Pixar stuff , I mean movies Toy Story and Walle were awesome. But there's something about gems like 'The Sword in the Stone, Robin Hood that just hits you right there.

I've decided that my favorite Disney Couple is Phoebus and Esmeralda. Her because she's got spunk and way different from the usual 'princesses' that you see, so weak and timid just waiting for some prince charming to save them. She's a far cry from the damsels in distress that we have gotten used to over the years. Oh and a close second would be Meg from Hercules.

And Phoebus, because he is the ONLY dude who has a beard! I like the bad boy image so John Smith comes a close second. (yes I know they are both blonde, I don't even like blondes but they look better animated!) Come to think of it Simba was kind of hot too...like my friend says, "So what if he's an animated lion? He still turns me on.' :P

Who'd you say your favorite Disney couple is?

I think I'm dumb...or maybe just happy.

I'm baaack, well technically I didn't go anywhere. I was just away from a lot of material things for awhile and pondering the meaning of life while being all spiritual and zen. Ok who am I kidding...the PC broke down, my phone got disconnected and I was just being a recluse all these days. But I DID ponder about a lot of stuff and well, here are my random thoughts for today. (Warning might not make much sense.)

First of all, whoever invented diet coke should be arrested. I tasted it for the first time coz there was nothing else at home and I almost choked on it's watery taste. Oh I know what you're thinking, "What? That's your big epiphany?" Well it's not. I just thought I'd mention it.

I just got to thinking...and here's my 'advice' to everyone. Life is short, and you only get ONE of them. Live it your way. Have fun. Make memories. Meet people. Travel. Take pictures. Try new stuff. You know how they say a well-spent day results in heavenly sleep? Well the same way, a well-spent life would guarantee a death without any regrets. One of the worst feelings to live with is having to think, "I wonder what might have happened if i did that..or if I didn't do this"

Don't live your life for another person, believe me I know. When your life revolves around another person, you lose who you are. Let nothing hold you back from living your life to your instincts. Of course people will talk and try to put you down but WHO CARES? It's your life and if you can't do what you want now, then when can you? Too often do we refrain from being ourselves as we are, just so that everybody else is pleased. You can't please everyone, and the most important thing is pleasing yourself. No one else will you know...

I'm in the process of finding myself again and I feel so much better, stronger to know that I'm in control of my life and where it's headed. I feel like I can be my random self and do silly stuff like dancing in the rain with friends, have pillow fights and travel to places without worrying too much about what others might think of me. In the end I'm happy. We are so busy TRYING to be happy that we don't even know what it means. Sometimes all you can do is just think positive and decide to be happy. It works...and it rubs off on others too.

Most of us are so self-conscious that we join in with mocking the people who do actually pursue their dreams. We mock them out of resentment coz we know they are happy and they have a great life contrary to what pathetic people say. So what if some people laugh at us? It's okay to laugh at yourself. People will eventually love you for it. Oh and its better to be hated than ignored.

I guess you could say these past years I was so rapunzeled (isolated from society) up in the tower that, I kind of became institutionalized to that way of living. But not so much that I feel I can't get back to the real world again. (Reference to old Brooks in my favorite movie The Shawshank Redemption) It's gonna be a slow process but for the first time, I do feel that I can at last be free to be me.

Actually I'm pretty sure I haven't made an ounce of sense above and maybe some people who have been talking to me might get where all this is coming from. I'm half sleep deprived right now thanks to 'someone' hmph :P I blame my nonsensical blurtations on that fact. Also CURSE THAT WOMAN WHO BOUGHT THE SHOES THAT IVE BEEN EYING AND DROOLING OVER AND SAVED MONEY FOR!!! ahem...yes I think I should stop now.

Whoever who read this to the end...I thank you.

Screw Tradition

It always seems that when I'm writing a post, I always rant about something but hey it's only when I'm upset that I can come up with enough material to write something.

I recently told someone that I don't want to get married anytime soon. Her response was, "Thihen huttas muskulhi vedhaane, eyrun nuvaane innane meehakuves"

Why? why? why does society have to decide for me when I have to get married? I don't consider myself as an old hag yet but EVEN if I was. What is it about unmarried women that gets those domestic goddesses in a rut?

Yes I am aware that I have a biological clock and everything but PLEASE let me decide the fate of my womb! And even if I didn't go the traditional way, it does not mean that I am any lesser of a person or that I am unhappy and you need to pity me.

I am not saying that I don't need a man. Of course I do, and as every girl would, I used to dream about a wedding and a pretty dress and such things. But I'm just sayin don't judge me for not wanting to get married at an early age and have 2 kids right after, just to fit in with everyone else. I don't want to get myself into something I am not ready for, just so that people would stop pointing fingers at me.

Funny thing is, I'm not even that old to be considered as an old maid yet (At least in international standards). Usually the girls these days tie the knot as soon as they hit eighteen. People! we already have the world record for the highest divorce rates! Why would you want to add to it?

Or maybe it's a source of pride for them? O.o

Some girls just get married because they are 'in love' and sometimes I think just for the kick of having a huge party with a dress that costs RF 10'000. They don't envision the part that comes after. Honestly I am terrified of marriage, specially after recent personal events that have happened.

So tell me, does it really make me an incomplete person if I don't have a piece of paper with some legal formalities that links me to another person?